35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (October 19, 2024)

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  • 01
    jim axon @jimaxon66 Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton, South Australia ... 59 Emefe Follow
  • 02
    Flex Frontline | TM @MechaMacGyver Follow Ran into the username "Ham Stroker's Ejacula" and for a brief moment the world was captivatingly brilliant
  • 03
    First generation home renter @internethippo.bsky.social Declining every work meeting because I'm shy
  • 04
    K. Liakos @liakos.bsky.social Dining at Panda Regular. It's taking forever Follow
  • 05
    @alori1975 Follow has anybody else completely lost it or is it just me and kanye
  • 06
    pixelatedboat aka "mr bluesky" @pixelatedboat.bsky.social Entering the literary modding community with my rewrite of The Great Gatsby where Gatsby has 2x movement speed and doesn't take fall damage
  • 07
    John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social How bout this. If neither of us are married by the time we turn 45, we get together and rob the federal reserve in Los Angeles
  • 08
    thief axex @Mighty_Ark Follow a little 90s nostalgia for yall. who else misses the razorblade store
  • 09
    logicbutton @logicbutton.bsky.social Follow in the city of St. Louis, Missouri, there is a museum called the Museum of Illusions, and it has come to my attention that this is the URL of their website 。 moistlouis.com ALT
  • 10
    soul nate @MNateShyamalan picture this: you're 5 minutes into a date with rfk jr on one of these and he says "nobody's coming for us. it's time to turn to cannibalism"
  • 11
    lanyardigan Follow @lanyardigan.bsky.social On the bright side, we are living in a time of incredible stain-fighting technology
  • 12
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy Temu **JO @shoptemu Ad 600 TEMU Shop your favorite items on Temu at low prices with great discounts. 99 C Unbeatable Prices on Temu From temu.com Car Air Mattress $0 Only for new app users with qualifying orders Free Shipping
  • 13
    Alison Leiby @AlisonLeiby If you have a cat, does it think you are its mom, its friend, or the government?
  • 14
    jd @jdisblack Imaoo these edibles arent doing anyth 鸡对 за 10/6/17, 11:20 PM
  • 15
    ditch pony @molly7anne certified freak? seven days a week? babygirl you need a union
  • 16
    chase @_chase_ Follow i kind of get why they froze Walt Disney. i froze a bunch of bananas a while back. just kind of nice knowing they're there
  • 17
    ceej @ceej.online my favorite thing to cast are aspersions. right after that it's fireballs
  • 18
    C Follow D @richardcoops Do you think the harmonica solo made them all more stressed or less? The Bush Archive @TheBushArchive · 1d The Bush Cabinet During 9/11 (A
  • 19
    Breakfast Presley @Elmo_Oxygen Follow Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting| murdered on leather purses here
  • 20
    John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social Putting a note in the church donation basket that just says "Bengals -6.5"
  • 21
    Men's rea activist @internethippo.bsky.social Aladdin remake but the genie is a chatbot that doesn't work
  • 22
    more mr. nice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social Follow the Munsters could start acting and dressing normal and people wouldn't notice they're draculas or franklinsteins or whatever. whereas with the Addams family, one of them is a hand
  • 23
    *sigh*clops @aotakeo normalize booing in the workplace
  • 24
    Dad and Buried @DadandBuried Not sick, not hungover, but a secret third thing (old)
  • 25
    John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social calling my doctor after I have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours to let him know that I am fine
  • 26
    chuuch @ch000ch (my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light
  • 27
    Saddington 3 (in product... @2Saddington Follow when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help OREO. ZERO SUGAR ே LIMITED EDITION OREO Coca-Cola ZERO SUGAR 10 Mini Cans LIMITED EDITION Coca-Cola ZERO SUGAR Fizzy Cookle Flavored 10-7-5 FL OZ CANS 775AB OREO O Coca-Cola WITH POPPING CANDY Coca-Cola ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED SERVING SIZE 2 COOKIES 140 2₁ 85 12. CALORIES SAT FAT 20% V SLIT APPEARS WHEN OPENED SANDWICH COOKIES NET WT 10.68 OZ (303g)
  • 28
    bry @chicletsbian Follow instead of having two separate home and away jerseys NHL teams should just give each player a single jersey made like one of these bad boys and they gotta flip it completely to one color before every game
  • 29
    katie yee @prepartynap Follow trying corporate speak with my dog. every time he barks at something random, i thank him for flagging that and tell him we'll circle back.
  • 30
    John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social 5:00 pm. A horn blows at the natural history museum. "YABBA DABBA DOOO!" yells a paleontologist in the middle of a presentation. He runs and jumps over the second story handrail and surfs down a brontosaurus, badly damaging the fossil.
  • 31
    Bud Lightyear @hippieswordfish Everyone should like me Follow Populism Updates @PopulismUpdates • 2d Tell me your most radical position that cannot be placed on the left-right political spectrum
  • 32
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
  • 33
    Caleb Misclevitz @calebmisclevitz bake me a cake as fast as you can is such an unhinged thing to say
  • 34
    eve @swinemom the name Kristen and the name Kirsten.. you guys need to sort that out
  • 35
    defleppardfan94 @lemonade_grrrl Follow this is perfect for when you need a bottle of hornets Tips & Tricks @awkwardgoogle. 1d Hornet harvesting - gentle tap and they're in the bottle. 0:07
  • 36
    Katie D @Katie Deal99 Follow "But it's my only vice" I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
  • 37
    Frances Meh @francesmeh.reviews Follow they say not to throw the baby out with the bathwater but they never explain why

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